I have a confession to make.

I’m a terrible Catholic, I question church doctrine, and I disagree with the Pope.

And I absolutely despise going to Confession.

I don’t feel like I should tell all of my sins, every bad thing I have done, to a man who may or may not be morally sound.

I try hard to go to Confession on a regular basis (that’s not really true).

The last time I went to Confession, well I couldn’t remember the last time, so I went over the weekend.

On the car ride over to the church I tried hard to think of all of the things I had done wrong in the four plus years since I had been to Confession…and Church.

I came up with a few. I repeated them over and over in my head because I knew what would happen as soon as I went in the church.

And it did.

I forgot every bad thing I had ever done as soon as I went into the confessional.

The priest started talking, he asked me to begin, and I went blank.

Eraser on the Chalkboard, everything went out of my head, except that niggling little thought that maybe, just maybe, this priest was not a good one.

Panicking, sweating, and sick to my stomach I started talking about something completely random and I can’t even remember what I said.

So I stopped expecting the priest to continue with his business.

But he didn’t and I waited for a few seconds in an awkward silence.

When he didn’t say anything I started to think I should say I was done.

Instead I started talking about something else. And stopped again.

This time I waited and finally he gave me penance and asked for my Act of Contrition.

So I forgot the prayer, had to pause and remember, and then recited a partial prayer that I may have made up.

When I went back to my pew I felt the eyes of the waiting confessors on me and put my head down searching for the bible the priest said would be there.

There wasn’t one, just the songbook.

So I left. Went home.

Thought to myself, I am a terrible Catholic. I can’t even go to Confession and do what I’m supposed to do. I can’t listen to a priest tell me all of the sins I have committed when I already know them. And I absolutely can’t stand thinking the man behind the screen is a child-molester masquerading as a man of God.

I am a terrible Catholic and I can’t decide whether or not I care.