What is vice? The Merriam-Webster Dictionary calls it: "an abnormal behavior pattern in a domestic animal detrimental to its health or usefulness. Your average MacBook dashboard dictionary will tell you that vice is an immoral or wicked characteristic. My definition is simple. Vice is anything you do that you are, or should be, ashamed of.
Not long ago, Summit cast a young actress by the name of Mackenzie Foy to play Renesmee in the conclusion to the Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn. Stephenie Meyer confirmed it, and when Stephenie Meyer says something is true, it must be.
"But Kevin," you may ask. "What does this have to do with vice?" The news in and of itself has very little to do with vice. The vice in the situation is that I care. Yes, I am invested in the casting of this movie, as I was invested in the casting of all of its tween-worshipped predecessors. I remember sitting in front of my computer screen in high school, cringing at the decision to cast Robert Pattinson as Edward Cullen. I read the the whole series... for fun, and for that, I am deeply ashamed.
I have tried to break away over the years, knowing full well how much intellectual damage these books have caused the teenage girls of the world. I know that calling Stephenie Meyer a refined author is like calling the guy in those local car dealership commercials a Shakespearian actor. Comparing her elaborative diary entries and glorified fan fiction to literature would be like comparing that noise your cell phone makes when its about to die to music. Knowing that doesn't change the fact that I bought all of her books, with real money, and may or may not have enjoyed reading them.
After the first movie, I realized exactly how stupid the story was. I mean... I always knew. Yeah, I just went to the midnight showing because I wanted to laugh at how bad it was. After suffering through hours of wooden acting and lines too cheesy for the Lifetime Network, I vowed to never spend another dollar on that rubbish. Yet, New Moon came out and I saw it in theaters as well, insisting that I wouldn't see Eclipse at all. Sure enough, this Summer, I found myself sitting in a movie theater watching Edward and Bella redefine what it meant to be in an unhealthy relationship.
Breaking Dawn was without a doubt the worst book of the series. It was painful to read and I have stated over and over again that I will not see the movie, or movies, since someone had the brilliant idea to extend this existential vacuum into two feature length infringements on our unalienable human rights.
Be that as it may, one lonely night, while avoiding a two page paper, my resolve broke and my curiosity dragged me to Imdb's front doorstep. I snuck a peak at the new cast, noticing that two of my favorite actors, Joe Anderson (Across the Universe) and Maggie Grace (Lost), were signed on to join the cinematic axis of evil. From there, the decay of my dignity only grew worse. Upon seeing the news of Ms. Foy's casting as Renesmee, I actually muttered aloud, "Oh, she should be good." I said it for the world to hear. It was too late for denial. I might as well go to the store and purchase my "Team Jacob" T-shirt and the entire discography of any hip, indie band that's been featured in one of the films. As much as I fight it, as much as I hate it, I'm a Twi-hard, because with a vice so dark and haunting; the undead are the only ones I can relate to.
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